Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
