chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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