and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
