roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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