so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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