What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
