True but thats because hes a fetus.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize