I'm so fucking centered right now
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
