I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
