that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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