Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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