saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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