it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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