I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
