mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
