just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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