I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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