Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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