i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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