He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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