Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
