I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
