Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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