Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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