yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
