Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
