my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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