You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
