I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
