I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
