My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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