Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
