i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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