A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
