She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Bring me that man meat
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
