i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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