I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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