i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
