My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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