After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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