her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
