Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
