I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
