Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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