he fucked my hip out of place.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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