Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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