Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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