Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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