Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
