Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
