he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
