She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
