if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
